In short

I must move on from material worries and focus my mind on the spiritual.

my favorite femme thing

Is hands-down my femme cup.

If you haven't heard of it before, look it up under "luna cup" or "femme cup".  It's a wonderful little invention made out of medical-grade silicon that is a (yup) cup that slides up inside you during your period to catch all your goobers.  And I love it. You heard me!

This is what it looks like:

It comes with a small little handy bag that cinches up quite nicely and the little "stem" can be trimmed to your preference.  I've never had any discomfort when it is in properly and it works about 100x better than any cotton tampon.  If you've ever gotten a yeast infection as a result of a tampon you will never experience it with a femme cup.  This is because it holds rather than absorbs your fluid and as a result will never imbalance your natural bacteria. 

This is how it works: 

And in case you're wondering - after insertion it can remain in place for up to 12 hours.

Now, on heavier days I highly recommend emptying it out when you "feel" that it is full. 

... You'll know - don't ignore it.  

In the meantime, grab a couple pads while you get used to it.

Personally, I still wear back-up on the heavier days because I will occasionally forget to empty it out and have had an overflow (tres embarassing!) but otherwise, it's great.

As someone who has tried tampons, pads and even those little disposable "cups":
I give the Femmecup a 5 out of 5 stars!!

*****

My Next Tattoo

Will be of the missing piece flopping over.

(image source)

I want to share with you the exchange between the missing piece and the big O from Shel Silverstein's The Missing Piece Meets the Big O because it is something that I feel I can hold on to, and I hope it helps you hold on, too.

And then one day, one came along who looked different.
"What do you want of me?" 
asked the missing piece.
"Nothing."
"What do you need from me?"
"Nothing."

"Who are you?" asked the missing piece.
"I am the Big O," 
said the Big O.
"I think you are the one 
I have been waiting for," 
said the missing piece.
"Maybe I am your missing piece."

"But I am not missing a piece," 
said the Big O.
"There is no place you would fit."
"That is too bad," said the missing piece.
"I was hoping that perhaps 
I could roll with you...."
"You cannot roll with me," 
said the Big O,
"but perhaps you can roll by yourself."

"By myself?
A missing piece cannot
roll by itself."
"Have you ever tried?"
asked the Big O.


"But I have sharp corners,"
said the missing piece.
"I am not shaped for rolling."
"Corners wear off,"
said the Big O,
"and shapes change.
Anyhow, I must say good-bye.
Perhaps we will meet again..."
And away it rolled.


The missing piece
was alone again.


For a long time
it just sat there.


Then...
slowly...
it lifted itself up on one end...


...and flopped over.


Then lift... pull... flop...
it began to move forward....


And soon its edges began to wear off...
liftpullflopliftpullflop...
and its shape began to change...
and then it was bumping instead of flopping...
and then it was bouncing instead of bumping...
and then it was rolling instead of bouncing...


And it didn't know where
and it didn't care.


It was rolling!

怖いの物 (scary things)

The five-year-old that I babysit told me the other day, as we played Spiderman, that there is nothing that scares him.  I envy him.  My earliest memory of fearing the unknown must have been when I was around seven.  At first, I would lie awake afraid that the house would be broken into but I guess my little brain didn't think that was quite enough and I began to fear the house burning down.  I would spend a good hour and a half every night holding my teddy bear tight in fear of some robbery or inferno sure to take us out in the middle of the night.  Thankfully, neither of these ever became a reality for me.

As an "adult" (I' still unsure if I'm there yet) the things that scare me most are those that I feel I have no control over.  The pollution being pumped into the air as I drive to and from work, the plastics I throw out, the preservatives in the food I eat.  What "scares" me even more is the sheer guilt I feel as I do each and every one of those things.  Catholics could not feel this level of guilt put upon them by their God for having pre-marital sex, I think to myself and I sense my muscles tensing as I drive down the road to work.  I lower my speed to preserve gas and then automatically fear that I will be pulled over for going too slowly - "I'm sorry, officer, I was just trying to preserve my gas mileage... I know that light up there is going to turn red so I figured why bother to speed up?"  I feel guilty again as those behind me pass on the left and I imagine them making judgements about "that hippy in the right-hand lane".  I am driving because I seem to be unable to make it anywhere on time and fear missing the bus that comes once an hour.  Fear appears to be creeping into every aspect of my life so I "take control", start my car, and head out to where-ever I need to be, grabbing a latte on the way because I "didn't have time" (didn't make time) to have one at home, thinking sadly of the little plastic lid and paper cup that will never decompose in the landfill.  For generations to come, my one cup of coffee is forever immortalized.

But no, this is not right.  What I fear most, I have come to realize, is that I will never change from the self-centered and forgetful individual that I am.  Perhaps for some this is where religion comes in.  In order to feel better or make amends, all that they need to do is say a few prayers and ask for forgiveness.   Putting their fears up to something bigger, they feel relieved of those fears.  If there were a religion that sent prayers to the future, that is what I would do.  I would pray to future generations to forgive me and my generation for being so thoughtless as to simply throw things away at the slightest inconvenience.  In the meantime I must work hard on myself to change those behaviors of mine that cause me the most amount of anxiety.

It will not be easy and I will fail frequently, but I think of the missing piece.

     "For a long time it just sat there.  Then... slowly... it lifted itself up on one end... and flopped over. (PLOP!) Then lift... pull... flop... it began to move forward.... "

New Chapter

Dear Journalette,

    

     I have just finished spending a week with my grandparents by myself, something I haven't done probably since I was a kid.  I daresay I got more out of it now than I did then and I am happy to have been able to catch up on lost time.  It was simply therapeutic to talk to Granny about things that were bothering me. ... My coping mechanisms, my anxiety, my relationship with the rest of my family.  Although people seem to generally recommend talking to a therapist about these things because they have an "outside view" (and that is valuable at times), talking to someone who really knows my family in a way I don't offered a real relief from my anxieties that speaking to my therapist has so far not given me.  (Perhaps I need a new therapist.) I have been on emotional pins and needles for about a week and I don't mind it too much except for when it gets in the way.  I get choked up and touched by small things -  as I always have - and am working to feel okay with that.  Above all, I bought myself a new journal.  It is pink with a wonderful quote by Jane Austen, "Let other pens dwell on guilt an misery." 

     In other news, if you haven't heard by now - I am most definitely and assuredly going to Japan! 日本に行きますよ！Japan has been a love of mine since I was thirteen or fourteen and although our relationship has been on-and-off and of an incredibly long distance, it has never waned.  For instance, when I think of things to take with me to comfort me and remind me of home I invariably wish to take English versions of Miyazaki's films Ponyo, Spirited Away, and even Howl's Moving Castle.  Which, if you're unaware, are all Japanese films. I'll be taking a copy of The Adventures of Tintin as well though!! I think Tintin is one of my new favorite fictional characters just for his sheer cheek and bravery.  But anyway my point is this: if those things that comfort me most come from Japan I have every expectation that although the transition may be difficult and even at times terrifying it will ultimately be one worth making.

     When am I going? 

     Where am I going?

     When will I be back?

     All valid questions, Journalette.  I am going in June of this year at the earliest.  If not, definitely in September or October time of this same year.  I think any later and I might die of anticipation… or living at home.  Though I hear neither is particularly bad for your health and I need to grin and bear it.  I do not know as of yet where I will be going but it will almost definitely be in rural Japan, what they call an “isolated assignment”.  That kind of makes me feel like special-ops person I dreamt of being when I was twelve.  And the length of stay?  Well, the contract is for no less than a year but if I really like it… I hope to stay on for up to five, returning to the West only to further my education. 

 

     I will take time to say my goodbyes and do all the responsible things one parting for the opposite side of the world ought to.  The biggest goodbye will be one with which I am so familiar – saying goodbye to Phil who has been such a big part of my life for the past three years.  He will be visiting in early May if all goes according to plan and we’ll take the time to tour the Capital and have, I’m sure, those talks that need to be had.  All in due time.

La Verite

Many people who know me know me as a terrible liar.  I'm not sure how I got this way, but I'm sure it has some odd thing to do with a) knowing that I show my emotions easily and b) thinking that everyone can read everything on my mind.   I know it's crazy.   But there is one person I am wonderful at lying to.  Myself.

I've somehow convinced myself that I am a submissive, quiet, shy, introverted person.  And only that.  But I'm not.  I'm so much more.  I'm very strong, quite outspoken, and I love people when I don't let my anxiety get in the way.  And now I have to address that anxiety.  Angelika Dawn has posted recently in her Tumblr about how we think of happiness as a given and that what we should really be looking for is wholeness. 

I texted Gex recently about the obvious fact she informed me of about  a year ago (she seems eternally ahead of me in some respects :) ) that people are concerned with appearances; hence not having anything on her car, keeping it spotless etc.  I could have heeded her warning long ago but it has taken some recent events for me to realize how important it is. 

Recently I read The Missing Piece Meets the Big O- which if you haven't read you should.  It's about a missing piece who's looking for the piece from which it is missing.  Some don't fit, others don't know a thing about fitting, and the piece is left on its own when it outgrows its best fit.  Then the big O comes along.  And the Big O is whole.  The big O doesn't need anything from the missing piece and leaves it behind with the advice that if the missing piece wears off its edges, it too will roll.  I never got the metaphor as a kid.  Now, I'm planning my next tattoo.

So Gex is right and I now understand that we must all blunt our edges in order to roll and become whole ourselves.  Those first few "liftpullflop"s are difficult, but they are necessary in order to begin our journey towards wholeness.  

Why 日本に行かないとだめです。

Or, "I must go to Japan."

. The food
. The culture
. The language
. The scenery